Hi readers,

Today im writing to express my feeling out again..I noe u guys will be like..wat?! again?! okay..This is the only place to express out as my dear don like to see mi share my thoughts or keep telling ppl my prob..especially to girls but i have more girl     friends (female friends) den guy friends..jiiajiia will get jealous and think tat y i cant share with her or y wat i tell ppl de oso same as wat i tell her too..This will make her like less special too..Im not saying my dear not special, SHE IS SPECIAL in my heart. I wan to make her feel tat she is special.

Okay back to topic..This few days i feel very weird..feeling like im useless, dear like ignore mi(although she didn't), cant fall asleep, feeling very stress, sad and many more..So i think about wat actually happening to mi..I den notice tat my depression came back to mi..Although it is not tat serious den last time but it will affect mi a lot..Not only on my sch works, cc works but my relationship too..I wanna thanks my dear tat she been holding on and accompany mi through out this..I really need her with mi..without her, i wonder how my depression will going to more worst.. At first, i tot i was actually mood swings but things nv get better..I went on to the website to check for depression symptoms and i am correct....I am in depression...Below is one of the website..

• Sadness and or irritability
• Loss of interest or pleasure in everyday activities
• Loss of appetite—or increase in appetite
• Sleep disturbances—either insomnia or excessive sleeping
• Agitation or slowing in behavior
• Fatigue
• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt
• Problems with thinking or concentration
• Persistent thoughts of death or suicide

• Feeling sad or "empty"
• Feeling hopeless, irritable, anxious, or guilty
• Loss of interest in favorite activities
• Feeling very tired
• Not being able to concentrate or remember details
• Not being able to sleep, or sleeping too much
• Overeating, or not wanting to eat at all
• Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts
• Aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems.

Women experience depression more often than men. Biological, life cycle, and hormonal factors that are unique to women may be linked to women's higher depression rate. Women with depression typically have symptoms of sadness, worthlessness, and guilt.

Men with depression are more likely to be very tired, irritable, and sometimes even angry. They may lose interest in work or activities they once enjoyed, and have sleep problems.

Older adults with depression may have less obvious symptoms, or they may be less likely to admit to feelings of sadness or grief. They also are more likely to have medical conditions like heart disease or stroke, which may cause or contribute to depression. Certain medications also can have side effects that contribute to depression.

Children with depression may pretend to be sick, refuse to go to school, cling to a parent, or worry that a parent may die. Older children or teens may get into trouble at school and be irritable. Because these signs can also be part of normal mood swings associated with certain childhood stages, it may be difficult to accurately diagnose a young person with depression.

How can I help a loved one who is depressed?

If you know someone who has depression, first help him or her see a doctor or mental health professional.

• Offer support, understanding, patience, and encouragement.
• Talk to him or her, and listen carefully.
• Never ignore comments about suicide, and report them to your loved one's therapist or doctor.
• Invite him or her out for walks, outings, and other activities.
• Remind him or her that with time and treatment, the depression will lift.

jiiajiiia did almost all this..thanks dear..without her, i wont noe how am i going to go through this..I actually better now..listening to music and do some small stuff to cool and relax myself...They said children would worry parents may die but im worry my dear would leave mi..Seeing mi like tat i scare i would scare her off..haiis...I den stress myself more..I stress my exams, cc stuff and tat y my depression back ba..Too many things i need to stress..I have been stressing myself for quite a long time, not only for awhile..so don say i cant handle stress..The stress i taking ppl cant really see it but it is quite strong..cc stuff not only doing community work but i oso help adviser too..This is more stress part..

Taking out time for dear have abit as i need to push away ppl..I not scare of pushing ppl away for my dear..Cuz i oso need to rest ar..Need to accompany my dear ar..She is more important..I oso not scare telling ppl tat fri(maybe), Sat and Sun is her time..Need mi and u need to go through my dear 1st..Tat wat i told the cc director but tis sun i going help her..Not every time i will accept cuz i see her oso really need mi..Plus i can pei jiiajiia on fri and sat..Sun jiiajiia can come over but jiiajiia tired tired...

Patricia sent mi this photo ytd and i find it quite true.."Everyone needs someone who can handle their dark side." jiiajiia is the one tat really can handle my dark side...Without her i think i will always outside finding trouble..fighting...all this...Thanks dear for all this support..I Love You!

Labels: despression, HeartPain, Loves, pain, realise, Scare, Sian, Sick, Stress, Thanks, Tired, Worry

Labels: despression, Loves, Miss, pain, photography, Promise, Sad, Sorry, Stress

Hi readers,
Sorry to u guys to keep reading my boring blog..
7.15am, I woke up as I dream abt dear den I realise tat I didn't wake up at 5.30am to wake dear up..sian..she text mi say she ending the call as she need to get prepared le..so I text her..Dear reply and tell mi to go slp..normally she tell mi go slp the next moment she will be beside my bed so I good boy and go slp..

Idk y..how I turn here and ther oso cant seem to slp..8am le..dear text mi say she reached sch le..sian..I so wish tat she bluff mi abt the event things and come over to find mi..I noe it abit impossible but I still wish..haiis..I miss my dear...Now 8.10am le..I still don have the feel to slp..juz now be4 dear text mi..I was turning here and ther already have suicidal thoughts le..haiis..I really scare 1 day I really go suicide den no1 will take care of jiiajiia le..

If I suicide means some1 replace mi le..but I will still watch her from far..be her only guardian..now 8.14am le..shall go slp awhile..brb..Im back..now 8.43am..cant seem to slp..sian..scare jiiajiia angry..haiis..I miss jiiajiia soo much..text dear..dear like don wan talk to mi =( wat can I do? I tried all my best not to show emotional in front of her but everytime I heard her voice I feel like crying den she sometime talk like so mean I jiu cry le..

zhuzhu don blame u..zhuzhu will wait for u de..haiis..9am le..missing my dear ='( how? wat can I do? 9.36am le..haiis..shall get up and brush up..raining outside hope dear wont go under the rain..watching doraemon now..eee only watch awhile jiu no more le..10am jiu finish..l8r meeting shao juan and pass present to her..drag so long le..sian..missing dear..wonder wat dear doing..haiis..10.08am le..dear text mi tat ther no rain..but jiiajiia 4got abt our promise le..cannot slp on bus without zhuzhu..l8r ppl touch her how..haiis..zhuzhu jiu easy worry ma..*worry* who dare to touch her I wont let tat person see till tml sunrise..

10.12am le..actually I don like how jiiajiia talk to mi now..so not like jiiajiia..haiis..10.36am, I went to cook 1 pack of noodles to eat..even though I don feel like eating but don eat l8r jiiajiia angry..so I juz choose beef soup noodles..drink 1 cup of orange juice too..

11am, shao juan text mi say she at cc le so I take her present and went down to meet her and pass her present..We chat awhile and go back hm..Tat present is from last year till now sia..so long le..Now 12.35pm donno dear eat her lunch le ma? haiis..gg to tamp to buy back the watch..sian..need spent money again..haiis..

Now 1.15pm on train le..I finally buy my bus concessions le..$27.50 finally drop..If not every month $52 ex sia..Brought my watch le..buy sth abit different from last time de..my base is abit blue in colour..$750 but got 15% so is $637..ex..heart pain..haiis..Now 2.11pm le..bring mama go eat chicken rice..we walk the whole tamp but like nth to eat lea..sian..don have the feel to eat lea..but still must eat..l8r jiiajiia angry..

3.37pm I went out to go green rc as I got my photography ig projects..Need to shoots some photos..Now 5.55pm juz went out of rc..walking to bedok inter..gg dear house hope can give her a surprise ^^ dear must be very busy..the whole day nv on9 wat app..Hope she wont tired out herself..Now is 6.04pm reached mrt platform le..gg tamp take bus 969 to yishun as it is so late now scare cant reach be4 jiiajiia reached..take bus 854 will be very long..I scare tat I like tat find jiiajiia, she will find mi very disturbing..find mi fan..sorry oh jiiajiia but zhuzhu really miss you..

jiiajiia go hm sure tired tired..busy whole day..jiiajiia..zhuzhu anyhow think..think u with other boy boy now..play till very happy..zhuzhu scare jiiajiia go with other boy boy..den I tell myself cannot anyhow think..sorry oh..zhuzhu really miss you soo much..Now 6.25pm I on bus 969 le..I ran juz now as I saw the bus came..if not need wait very long ar..I don wan let jiiajiia wait so long..Wonder wat jiiajiia doing now? Did she eaten her dinner? Did she drink enough water? Did she take care herself well? *worry* Think alot..scare jiiajiia tired out herself..haiis

Now 6.49pm le..saw jiiajiia retweet tis..
sometimes i feel like nobody likes me
nobody wants me
nobody needs me
and nobody cares.
oh wait its true.

It not true my dear..
I want you!
I need you!
I care for you!
Iloveyou!

dear, no matter wat I will be with you! Now 6.54pm..reached yishun le..gg take bus 812..alot ppl sia..wat should I do to surprise her l8r lea? hmmm ^^ hope she happy to see mi hehe ^^ Now 7.03pm le..juz went up the bus..Saw couples and think back when zhuzhu and jiiajiia on bus..zhuzhu will 1 hand hold the handle and the other hold jiiajiia..sometimes hand pain le still hold cuz don wan let u fall down juz tat nv tell jiiajiia..don wan let her worry ar plus it juz a small matter..jiiajiia fall down BIG matter lea..sometimes jiiajiia slp on zhuzhu hand will pain too but oso nv say cuz I wan to be like tis forever..feeling xin fu xin fu de..hehe^^

7.13pm..I get off the bus le..walking to jiiajiia house..7.17pm I reached jiiajiia house outside le but the wooden door is close..I heard sound so I think her mum is praying ba..so I called yiying to help mi open door..he nv answer..den when I hang up, yiying called back so I asked him help mi open door..7.20pm I went in le..yiying say my timing juz nice..mama praying and he was sleeping..psps..I saw papa den he say "she will be very late hm did she tell u?" I say I noe..8 plus like tat den end..I actually went to check abt the event on Google when I was on bus 969..papa say "u haven eat dinner hor? I oso haven eat..l8r go down eat u treat.." I was like hahas..

Now 7.28pm le sitting in jiiajiia's bed..so long nv sit le..so long nv smell till jiiajiia le..so miss tis smell..aiyo..jiiajiia y u so messy..everything oso throw on bed..>.< I got wrote sth on her post stick when I took her pencil case den I saw den I stick it on her laptop..hehe^^ I hide the 7-11 stickers into dear de pencil case too hehe ^^

7.36pm, mama cook my dinner oso..they eating noodles..mama cook 2 packs of noodles, add egg and alot of vegetable tat brought from Taiwan..mama oso add jiiajiia favourite vegetable hai dai!! hahas zhuzhu started to like le..donno y..actually alot of vegetable cuz of jiiajiia, zhuzhu started like to eat..funny hor..hahas..Lucky jiiajiia not here cuz got alot soup..drink too much instant noodles soup not gd..After eat finish, I help to wash the bowl and plates..yi an and yiying de oso..8.08pm, I went back to room and see my phone and I saw jiiajiia text mi le!! Happy ^^ dear say she still doing food and sending out guest..will very late den end..*worry* jiiajiia tired tired..hope jiiajiia eaten le..zhuzhu will at hm wait for u to come back oh..zhuzhu miss you..8.30pm, I on jiiajiia laptop den I try to unlock her com but I cant..I keep on try den the com say I need to go reset or try 1 more time den I jiu off com le..hope jiiajiia don angry oh..

After tat I went to shower..8.53pm back to bed den I saw jiiajiia text ^^ dear now den eat dinner =( *sayang* tired tired..zhuzhu at hm waiting for you oh hehe^^ hope u will happy when u see zhuzhu when jiiajiia finish 1 whole day of event..9.13pm le..stomach pain..keep booboo..smelly..9.28pm le..jiiajiia text zhuzhu say she on bus gg back sch le..yay! but jiiajiia go back sch still need keep tis and tat..tired tired..Now 9.56pm le..still waiting jiiajiia to be back hm..Must tell myself..when jiiajiia back hm din disturb her..let her go shower..after shower help her dry her hair den when dry le..let her slp slp..don disturb her..jiiajiia already so tired..must rmb..10.01pm le..stomach still pain >.< sian..cant wait jiiajiia to be back..so nervous hehe^^jiiajiia back everything jiu okay le..=)Miss jiiajiia so much!

10.10pm le..I suddenly rmb a quote tat I made myself so once again I pick up the post stick from dear de pencil case and write it den I stick on jiiajiia de laptop again hehe^^ I hope she still rmb tis quote as tis quote I wrote it on blog before..I started to get sleepy le..wake up from 7.30am till now..of cuz I cannot compare to dear..dear more tired, busy the whole day le..*sayang* zhuzhu see jiiajiia like tat *heart pain* =( 10.36pm le..I got headache le..sian..I juz now read back my blog..I wish we can go back like last time..like sweet sweet like tat..zhuzhu can do it..I miss jiiajiia ='( 10.40pm, papa walk in and ask abt jiiajiia le..he say "ni de laopo lea? hai mei you hui lai ar?" den I help dear cover say she on bus gg back sch..haiis..dear faster come back oh..papa oso ask mi hungry anot? he say fridge got curry from ytd de..l8r she come back ask her warm up..I say no need le..I full le..dear zhuzhu alone at hm hen sian..waiting jiiajiia come hm pei zhuzhu..

jiiajiia 10.45pm text zhuzhu say otw hm le ^^ *happy* but jiiajiia say her phone gg no batt plus nv bring portable changer..*worry* haiis..jiiajiia ar..zhuzhu worry lea..haiis..Juz now took out jiiajiia de post stick and write sth on it but i nv tear out..jiu leave it inside jiiajiia de pencil case ba..hehe ^^ now is 11.10pm le..jiiajiia is coming back le..so I must rmb cannot disturb till jiiajiia..l8r she angry..11.11pm..make a wish! done! hehe ^^ 11.21pm le..jiiajiia text zhuzhu say she on bus 812 le hehe^^ nervous~~~I hide everything and I close my lights le..jiu wait for jiiajiia to come back hehe ^^ jiiajiia will be very happy de hehe^^ nervous~~~ damm nervous~~ >.< zhuzhu like counting down sia..now 11.27pm le..hehe^^ 11.29pm, shit..almost forget to off power switch and fan..blur mi =.= zhuzhu always blur blur de..Now off everything le, more like it..only waiting for the main lead to be back ^^ *nervous* so nervous sia..

11.32pm le..hear lift and door sound..should be jiiajiia ba hehe^^ I hide in front of the closet den when dear walk to her bed, I hug her..den dear say she already saw mi standing ther le..sian..After tat, dear on the light and fan and I ask her tat she nv feel surprise? dear say no..My heartache le..haiis..I planned.....but fail...After tat I ask dear abt y her bag got slimming tea and dear say friend give de..drink 1 pack le no effect..I jiu more shag..cuz we said be4 no slimming pills or anything tat is gg to apply on us de..After tat my tears started to drop..dear behind mi like sign..I noe I very emotional and fan now..but wat can I do? I noe it tea but still ther is some kind of chemical inside..I don wan ur body to be spoilt..haiis..After tat dear went to shower..I can see dear already very tired and shag..I heard tat dear wed wont have phone..sian..how do I call dear? Is like I cannot find her the 1 whole day..11.49pm..now my heart more pain..Wo bu fang xin!! haiis...y like tat?! I miss her now even at her house..no phone how?! ='(
I tried my best not to cry in front of her le..I scare dear feel very fan..haiis..

11.53pm le..dear shower hao le..now help papa book phone number..hai le..shall stop here..will continue next blog cuz gg 12am so is tml le..
logging off
Johnny~

Labels: Angry, busy, despression, disturb, Happy, Loves, Miss, photography, Promise, Sad, Scare, Self-madeQuote, Sian, Sorry, suicide, sweet, Tired, Wish, Worry

Labels: cried, cry, despression, die, HeartPain, Hope, Loves, Miss, pain, Sad, shag, Sian, Stress, suicide, Wish, Worry

Labels: despression, improve, Miss, pain, Sad, selfish, suicide, taekwondo, tahan, tkd, train

Hi readers,
I got a boring blog..I noe..but it a only place I can express my feeling out..so I gg to write..

I fall down at hm when I preparing..I knee till 1 of my kitchen wooden door wher things are kept..I cut myself..ouch..idk y my blog app doesn't let mi put photo..nvm..lets continue..

so I went out and took train den 969 to yishun..I reached quite early..4.00pm jiu reached le..jiiajiia haven hm yet..I actually went up and see to confirm is she hm..after tat I went down to the 1st floor and sit down on the staircase..

After awhile I saw yiying came back and he saw mi of cuz..he ask mi wanna go up and I said it ok I wait here for her..he say u 2 gg out l8r? I say nope..but I so wish to..

I rmb tat dear wan to eat a food called apon..but dear house here de coffee shop nv sell..went ther ask le..nvm..next time if got chance will bring her go eat..

sky getting darker and finally jiiajiia text mi say gg hm le..4.30pm..waiting for her..thinking how to talk to her..haiis..

After awhile her dad came back and saw mi too..he ask mi go up..but I reject again..he saw my knee got cut and ask wat happen..so I told him tat I fell down lo..

The really getting darker and darker le..gg rain le..wonder dear got bring umbrella anot haiis..*worry*

Now is 5.15pm le..dear haven hm..my the thunderstorms getting louder and louder..the wind getting stronger and stronger..hope dear faster gp hm..juz I finish typing..the rain started.....hope she got umbrella and wont get drain in the rain..l8r sick how? haiis..

Dear always donno how to take care of herself de..hope dear is okay..*so worry* Now 5.28pm le..rain getting bigger and storms getting louder haiis..so hope dear wont kanna too much rain..*sooo damm worry*

Finally dear reached lift le..she was abit shock..I was abt to talk to her my tears started to drop again..my heart cannot take it..I keep crying when talking to her..

When dear give mi cake eat..I didn't feel like eating but I hardly can eat wat she bake or cook le..so I ate it..ya I didn't eat anything from morning till now..when eating the cake halfway I cried again..haiis..

After awhile her mum came le..oso ask the same things..asking mi tat I not gg up? rejected again..dear did ask mi to go up but I don feel like gg up..go up le jiu don wan go off le..haiis

After I walked off from her, my mind is like blank..walk wher oso donno..after tat desr shout at mi as Im gg walk in the rain..so I see her go up den I walk other side..

I keep on crying..y my tears cant control? I called tony and he noe sth not rite and ask mi out..After tat I still keep crying..I called patricia..she noe I cry..I started to talk to her as I need some1 to talk to..we talk abt 30 to 40mins..

I now otw to raffles as tony and andy jio mi ther..now is 6.58pm le..in train reached Dhoby Ghaut..I keep on to have to feeling to crying..trying to control..haiis..

Dear got text mi..7pm..she remind mi to eat dinner but idk how to reply her..not I don wan..I scare I will bust out in tears again..haiis..

7.05pm I meet tony and andy at raffles le..dear say still can be friends..but I don wan..haiis..We went to the merlion place and took some photos..After tat we walk to Marina Square and I ate subway..

After eating subway, we went to arcade to play some games..we played maximum tune den went over to play King Of Fighter..now this part make mi go crazy..make my heart and mind go siao..

I played halfway, I put my watch, which is my dad brought for mi as a birthday gift, on the machine tgt with my wallet and phone..When we walk off.....I only take my wallet and phone..but I nv take my watch..wth?! cannot be rite? is juz rite in front of mi..

After we walk off abt 1 to 2 mins, I den realise my watch and I turn ard, it gone.....wtf?! ther is not much ppl ard...and u can count with ur fingers..Tony help mi to call police and I called my mum..idk wat to do liao..I wish all tis was juz a dream.....After 30mins, police arrived and investigate awhile..Ther only have 2 cam..and wher I sit is a blind spot...WTF rite?! wat a big place only 2 cam?! u must be joking...

I went hm after tat..I think back alot of things..I rmb when I wake up..ther is sth or some sort of voices tell mi not to go out today..but I still get up and prepare..After tat when I gg to go out, I fell down..rmb wat I wrote earlier on? ya..tat when I fell..I think tat a hint....telling mi not to go out..

After talk to dear..I already very shag..Actually ther sth in my heart tell mi to go up with dear..but I didn't..den I got feel tell mi to go hm..but I don have the feel to go hm..

Is like all this chain up...If I noe earlier on I wont be like tat...but how I noe..Wat if, wat if, wat if..if I really noe wat if..I already rich and I wont be in this state now..I feel so shag..

dear I need u..really need u..when will u come back? haiis..What a tiring and shag day for mi..mama even say I kanna "ghost cover eyes"(chinese) sian....mama say jiu take it as "po cai xiao zhai"(chinese)

but this so ex..she oso say "ren mei shi jiu hao"(chinese) but I don dare to tell her tat I don wan to live le..I think she will be very sad..She oso didn't noe tat I already partly in the despression mode..cuz I everyday wake up will think how to end my life..

I only can do is to hurt myself in order not to think abt ending my life..everyday thinking of how to die.......I gg crazy....haiis..dear I miss you...

I shall end here..
logging off
Johnny

Labels: crazy, cried, cry, despression, die, end, HeartPain, Hope, kill, loss, lost, Loves, Miss, pain, shag, Sian, Wish, Worry

❤ Johnny Tan
❤ 04.11.1993 (21)
❤ single/attached to T.Y.J ❤
❤ Anniversary:1302112130 ❤
❤ currently studing in Temasek Polytechnic
❤ Christian
❤ Horoscope:Scorpio
❤ Zodiac:Rooster
❤ Martial Arts
❤ Taekwondo
❤ Photography
❤ First Aider


NIL

❤jiiajiia tumblr ❤
❤jiiajiia blog ❤
Alicia Mei
Wee Yin Mei
Si Hui Mei
Class412(2009)
Chu Han
Bethesda Cathedral Church
XueQi
ChapterTen
ChapterEleven
ChapterTwelve
ChapterThirteen
ChapterFourteen
ChapterFifteen
ChapterSixteen
ChapterSeventeen
ChapterEighteen
ChapterNinteen
ChapterTwenty

My Memories March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 December 2011 May 2012 August 2012 September 2012 April 2014 May 2014 June 2014 July 2014